Sweltering Celt

He is my Daddy.  The definition of that role is still evolving, but he most certainly IS my Daddy.

I confessed to him once, several months ago, that as I came the thought occasionally crossed my mind to call him Daddy.  He reacted with a little surprise – he is, after all, technically old enough to be my father – but to his credit he was willing to discuss it.  I didn’t know why (and still don’t) the idea came to me.  Incest isn’t one of my turnons.  Maybe the Daddy/girl relationship that a friend of mine had wormed its way into my head.  Maybe the name just found us as a natural progression of our relationship.  I don’t know, really, but we talked about it and the more we talked, the more it made sense for us to explore this aspect of US.

At first, it was simply a name we attached to his dominant personality.  Instead of calling him Master or Sir (both of which seem really strange in connection with him) I called him Daddy.  We had our first real scene together and I called him Daddy while he reddened my ass and experimented with ropework.  There was very little “traditional” Daddy symbolism attached to my calling him by that name.

Over time, the Daddy role has evolved for us.  From being a simple nickname, to his dominant title, to something else entirely.  Currently, it’s a mishmash of different things.  While he is still my lover and best friend and technically my equal, Daddy is in control of many aspects of my life.  He offers guidance, he makes demands, he monitors my activities and he has taken a role in my life where every time I do something, I consider whether it is something Daddy would approve of.  That is not something either of us take lightly, and it is a little strange incorporating that into our poly family.  That is a topic for another time, however.  Today, I’m just focusing on Daddy.

I call him Daddy because that’s who he is to me.  He protects me.  He guides me.  He makes demands.  He has expectations of me and I do my best to behave.  I lose my cool sometimes.  I do things he doesn’t like.  I disobey once in a while.  And I get punished for it.  I ask him for advice.  I lean on him when I feel small and insignificant.  We support each other in our own ways.

He is my Daddy, and I love him.  I am his Princess.  I am so happy with our roles, and I am excited to see how they continue to evolve and solidify.  It’s a journey we have embarked on together, and we are taking each step side by side even as I follow in his footsteps.

In the hopes that Doc will also post one today, I have stamped my name on this one

My ass is bright red from the spanking I’ve just received as punishment for the short list of transgressions I’ve accumulated over the past few weeks.  You’re sitting on the edge of the bed with a smug grin on your face, looking awfully satisfied with your handiwork.  Suddenly you feel your left wrist get enclosed by unforgiving leather, and then your right.  You nearly lose your balance as your hands are yanked above your head and clipped to the bolt in the ceiling.

“I’m not the only one who’s been naughty, Daddy.  And since no one else will take care of it, I guess I’ll have to.”

You hear the first lash of the flogger before you feel the sting and resulting warmth.  You’re so stunned, you don’t even cry out.  Not until the fifth lash…

I am a girl who likes to be paid attention to.  I have come to accept that as part of who I am, and I no longer fight against that fact.  I like to feel loved, wanted, and desired.  I think that’s a perfectly normal attitude.

Ranger and I have been struggling for a while.  He has not been giving me the attention I want and feel I deserve.  For a long time, he has blamed mine and Doc’s relationship for that.  Doc and I communicate every day and we feel it is important to do so, as it is a major basis of our relationship.  I don’t feel, however, that it prevents Ranger and me from having a relationship, which we haven’t for months.

I finally hit a breaking point the other night.  Some of you were there for my unloading on twitter.  I ranted quite a bit because I am tired of being alone every night, even when Ranger is here.  I am tired of feeling like the only time I get attention is when I am with Doc.  That is not how poly is supposed to go, at least not in my eyes.  So while I ranted, I was also writing an email to Ranger.  I explained how frustrated I am with this situation, and how lonely I am anymore.  I sent it right after he left for work, just before I went to bed (alone as usual) and he read it in the morning when he got home.  I was already at school by then.  When I got home yesterday evening, he surprised me by telling me that he was taking the night off to be with me.  I was pleasantly surprised but also felt a little trepidation, since Ranger and I have little in common anymore.

We did spend a good chunk of the evening together.  We watched NCIS together, which right now seems to be about the only thing we both enjoy.  I’m not particularly excited about the fact that it’s all we can do together, but it was something.  We didn’t really communicate, and we didn’t talk about our relationship or the family.  I’m hoping that will come in time.  It hurts me that Ranger can’t talk to me, but there isn’t anything I can do about that.  I have to seek communication elsewhere; of course, because that communication is usually with Doc, he and I both get into trouble for it.  I refuse to feel apologetic or remorseful for the connection that Doc and I have.  It is something we both need and don’t get anywhere else.  It is a big reason for our being polyamorous.  Doc tells me that I understand him better than anyone else, and while that may or may not be true, I do understand him very well.  Doc understands me very well too.  We are still learning each other and probably will be for the rest of our lives.  Ranger and I struggle to understand each other.  It is the nature of our relationship, I guess, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship with him.

I do not like being alone anymore.  Yes, there are times when being alone is a blessing and a relief, but to be perfectly honest I am alone so much that it gets to me on a very deep and disturbing level.  For a long time, even if Ranger is home I am essentially alone – invisible.  I sleep alone five nights a week, and GENERALLY on the two nights I am not alone I still go to bed alone and stay that way until an hour or two before I have to get up.  Date nights with Doc are the only exception to this rule.  Last night, Ranger did go to bed at the same time I did.  It was something, but I am honestly not sure that I am ready to have sex with him yet.  It has been a long time since we have, and a lot of that is my fault.  Emotionally, I am not into it.  I have been feeling taken for granted, unwanted, and treated like a doormat enough lately that it will take some reconnection to want to be with my own husband like that.

The point should be made that I don’t think anyone in our family realized the extent of Ranger’s and my problems.  Doc and Tootles’ fights are obvious and impossible to miss.  Ranger’s and my issues festered over the course of several months, once in a while boiling closer to the surface but never breaking it because I was too afraid to communicate anything negative to him and he doesn’t communicate at all.  To be honest, I am guilty of leaning too much on Doc for communication and attention, and I am truly sorry if that has caused any problems in any of the relationships in this family.  I cannot say that I will want to communicate with him any less, because we both depend on our daily talks.   I am, however, attempting to increase the communication between Ranger and myself because we desperately need it in order for our marriage to survive.

I have not asserted or acknowledged my own rights as a human being or as a wife for far too long.  I deserve love, I deserve attention, and I deserve to feel wanted.  From both of my husbands.  There are those who are irritated with me because they do not understand even half of the story.  In my own defense, this entire family has been making a lot of wild assumptions and sweeping generalizations that are not only unfair but unwarranted.  A lot of expectations are placed on me (and others) that are unrealistic.  There is not enough gratitude in this family but there are plenty of baseless accusations and blind attacks.  I can’t change what others say or think, but I CAN affect situations that involve me and how I treat people, including myself.

I can treat myself better.  I can and do expect others to treat me with more respect.  I have taken the first steps to recover my relationship with Ranger, and I will continue to work on my relationship with Doc as well.  I may only be one person, but in the context of this family I am and should be considered an equal member, one who deserves to have her needs at least acknowledged.  I am responsible for getting my own needs met, and that is why I have expressed to Ranger that something is lacking.  I can not afford to sit on the sidelines and feel worthless any longer.  I am tired of feeling like an intruder.  I am heartily sick of feeling like everyone’s last priority.  I am not my own last priority any more.  I am reaching out and seizing the respect and attention I deserve.  It will cause problems, of that I’m sure, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let myself be invisible any more.  It is my turn.  My turn to have some respect, my turn to be appreciated, and damnit it’s my turn to be loved.

Doc waxes poetic about our family:

Some people in life are more fortunate than others in the ways of life and love. Some people search for their entire lives to find that special someone to spend the rest of their life with. Others, by way of design or sheer luck, happen to find their soul mate and are wise enough to hold onto them.

I happen to be one of those fortunate few that enjoys the best of both worlds in that I found the girl that I will spend the rest of my life with some 28 years ago; and the girl of my dreams about seven months ago. I do believe that most find another person sometime in their lives besides their spouses or significant others that they feel they could become attached to very easily. But for whatever reasons, the instincts are never acted upon. Having and open polyamorous relationships affords such freedoms and flexibility. We have found (Tootles & I) that the love we share is like a wellspring. There is so much love between us that there is enough to go around for the others we care about. We have found that Ranger and Celt accept our love with caring, open arms and passion. This is not something that can be easily found nor is it easy to maintain. Each personality within our core family possesses different dynamics that require attention. One day it might be me, the next Celt, Tootles and Ranger. We all take our turns but ultimately, we all complement each other and the benefits of the love we share far outweigh the maintenance schedule. We all take responsibility for the well being of each individual in the core. This type of attention gives us a sense of security that I do not think could be found in any other arrangement. To find 4 people that are truly unique on so many different levels yet all 4 being complementary is nothing short of spectacular. Although the sex we share takes a “back seat” to the overall relationship, it looms large and is an important instrument in keeping the relationship vibrant and healthy. I am often asked by people I confide in how I can keep my emotions intact and keep the ugly beast named jealousy out of the picture. For me, the answer to that question is simple in a complicated way.

Initially, jealousy was a difficult thing for me to overcome. Before we met Ranger and Celt, Tootles and I had some issues with jealousy with respect to another couple we were seeing. We were finding that there was a good deal of secrecy going on several different levels and that we were becoming “possessions” of the other couple. This led to some very difficult discussions and Tootles and I decided the best thing to do was to break company with this couple. It was a painful separation that we are still feeling the ripple effects from, but it was the right decision. Sex was the issue in that relationship. It became obvious that this couple that had befriended us were no longer having sex and Tootles and I were surrogates filling that void. Both claimed that they were in love with us but I tend to think that we were more of a sexual release than anything else.

While I can’t speak a great deal about Tootles relationship with Ranger, I can speak in great detail about my relationship with Celt. Tootles and Ranger are very quiet and private in theirs while Celt and I tend to be much more open and communicative. Tootles cares not to hear about my dates with Celt while I like to hear the details of hers with Ranger. I don’t ask too much anymore as I know that Ranger and Tootles are very private people and even though she is my legal wife, I should not be asking things that are not my concern if it isn’t affecting the over health of the family.

As I was referring to before, Having the experience I need now, I’m very fortunate to share the wares of 2 beautiful women that stimulate me intellectually, spiritually and sexually. All 3 of those factors are closely intertwined and dependent on each other to bring me to a place that keeps me happy and motivated to improve in my prospective of life and love. Tootles and Celt constantly perform a duet that keeps me mesmerized. I tightly hold on to every note before letting go to move on to the next. Albeit the same in many ways, they complete me. Tootles gives me a firm foundation to hold on to and Celt gives me the mind stimulation I so crave. Both are excellent lovers and and know how to treat their bed partners. Tootles being the private person she is, I won’t go into details about her love making abilities other than to say she could service the multitudes and everyone would be satisfied. She has incredible stamina and is in excellent shape.

I find Celt to be eager and ready without exception. She tells me this is not the norm and I take that with sincere appreciation. We often make plans before our dates that don’t come to pass because I tend to become over eager myself because of her receptive nature to my touch. Not that I get premature, it is just that when I can feel Celt’s juices flowing, I can’t resist her. She is often like this on the onset of our date when we take our ritual shower together. Her ability to arouse me at the drop of a hat is amazing. She can give me a look in a public or private setting that immediately gives me an erection and she regularly takes advantage of this liberty in public to take pleasure in watching me squirm and adjust without others knowing. I know she is wet when she does this and I get so hard, I could cut diamonds. She knows I relate to how wet she gets and how we make love. She gets so very wet for me and when I’m inside of her, I can feel her wetness and passion engulf my every fiber of my being. We make love for hours nonstop. She can control me and I can control her. In love we walk in harmony. When I’m getting close to climax, I can feel my cock getting hot even to the point of being uncomfortably warm. I figure that is the friction. No matter. It is almost indescribable.

Right when I’m on the brink, I whisper into her ear, “Baby you are going to make me cum”! Then I change my angle on her slightly and we often cum together when we do this. We both end up in a sloppy quivering mess sweating and breathing as if we had just both fought for our very lives.

The best of both worlds IS my province.

Doc speaks…

What a bad week this has been. I’ve been missing Tootles and was hoping for more time with her. Early in the week I blew up.Tootles schedule had changed and I was under the assumption that we would be able to spend some time together. Murphy’s law, being what it is, didn’t allow for that. During the height of my duress, Tootles and Ranger scheduled a date. As always, Celt and I were to follow. The dates in themselves were very satisfying for all, but the aftermath was not.

I felt as if I were being punished for having a great date with Celt. I think it was the best date we have ever had and I don’t apologize for being happy and making my girlfriend happy. I suppose I had it coming being that I threw a fit earlier in the week. I just miss my Tootles and I am on unstable ground with upper management where I work because of my little tizzy.

Celt and I are communicators. Ranger and Tootles are not. They communicate in ways that Celt and I will never understand while Celt and I communicate freely on every level we are aware of. Therein lies the problem…

Ranger is young. He is a war hero and has my ultimate respect. He has endured a great many experiences that would drive most people insane. He has been shot on more than one occasion and has killed people he didn’t want to. I’d like to give a big thanks to the US government for helping him now. Ranger is my brother, he is my friend and he is my wife’s #1 lover. She is not willing to let him go. I appreciate that.

Ranger and I don’t talk very much. We have an unsung respect for each other. He is in love with my wife and I am in love with his. I would hate to think there could ever be a conflict between Ranger and I because someone would die if that happened. I am a Rez Rat and have seen as much as Ranger has only on a different level.

We appreciate each other and stand by each other even though we may not understand,

All of us are frustrated right now but peace is on the horizon. I love my Celt, Tootles loves Ranger… All is well.

Celt’s recent post describing an experience with a vibrating cell phone was an experience for me to remember. I had never tried anything like it before. It definitely was a spur of the moment inspiration.

We dance in the dark and love like children. This experience was a prime example of that. So please remember to do a friend a favor and pick up the phone.

Doc

Each and every time I close my eyes, I wake to something new.

As usual, SC and I exchange our normal daily love in ways that are less than desired, yet acceptable for the circumstances. I get up earlier that she does and do my best to give her something to wake up to. Whether that is an E-mail, cell phone text message or a quick wake me up call. This is not always easy as she knows my habits and my acceleration rate where a normal workday is concerned.

We often text each other while I am at work. I eagerly look forward to each and every text she sends me even though I may not be in a position to answer for hours at a time. I find myself looking for any nook I can see so that I may let her know I feel her.

Today she was a bit groggy and lacking in focus for the itinerary she had set for herself for the day. She had a plan but was lacking the focus to carry it out.

I smiled each time she texted me today. I knew she was thinking about us and that was a slightly endearing impediment for her as far as I was concerned.

Again, I smiled.

After reading today’s blog, and excerpts from another she shared with me today, I found myself in awe. My SC is so special. So alert, so adept, sensitive and articulate. When we are together, she often speaks volumes to me with no other tools than those beautiful blue eyes that appear as the resting sea after after a storm. She sends me to places I’ve never been before by a simple whisper of her hair brushing across the width of my chest.

I’m getting lost!

Get back on point Doc!

The resurgence she speaks of is real! And the ebb and flow she describes parallels in great detail the experiences that Tootle’s and I have discovered with her and Ranger. I couldn’t have described this better on my best day. Is there a connection there? You be the Judge.

Be well and listen to your heart.

We’re making progress, aren’t we?

Another Thursday, another HNT – but this time, we’re doing something a leetle different. I’m presenting to you a small portion of one of my favorite pictures of Doc! So without further adieu, feast your eyes upon his beautifully formed, perfect ass!!! I know I love to!

Hello to all that might be reading.

I am the man in the shadow. The watcher, the protector of my precious Red. I am Doc. The mystery man you’ve been reading about recently.

My gracious Red has afforded me the opportunity to expound here and I thank her for that.

Please let me begin by expressing my true and genuine feelings for the sweltering Celt. I know her very well. She is my friend, my lover and my confidant.

We became friends under circumstances that in most cases would end a relationship, but to her credit, she was strong, willing and able enough to cast a weight and do a little fishing of her own.

In the process, we found each other in the dark.

We fell for each other even though the circumstances at the time were very trying for both of us.

In the beginning, we had made a date with Ranger & Red on a specific time and date. I broke that date in the final hour to be with another couple that we were committed to at the time. We have since parted company with that couple for reasons only known to Tootles, Ranger and Red.

I never figured that Red would forgive me for that. It is not like I had made any other commitments other than the date itself, but I found myself floundering about not being true to my word. So I wrote to her and tried to apologize without letting on how upset I really was. Red and I had talked several times and Tootles and I were already very familiar with Ranger. I found myself amazed by her ability to adapt and overcome the situation that had transpired. Her ambition has no boundaries and reaches no end. When she finally realized that I was for real, we became very good friends even though we had never met face to face.

At that point, we both were determined to meet. Initially, I thought to myself that this woman will never have any desire to be with me because I am 17 years her elder. I think she may have thought that as well before we met but we are keen on each other now.

When I saw my Red for the first time, it was magical. We had planned to meet at a predetermined local eatery. I saw her pull up in Bernard with a huge ass grin on her face. Even though we had never laid eyes on each other, I knew, and she did too. We looked at each other through a huge plate glass window and smiled. I also noticed 2 small heads with faces I couldn’t see. “The Rug Rats” I thought to myself. One being blond and the other having nearly the same hair color as my precious Red. At that point, I was already bought and paid for. The rest is history.

Getting back to the bitter sweet date:

Ranger and Tootles are pretty wrapped up in each other. I think to the extent that Red and I are, but in a much different way. Red and I tend to wear our emotions on our cuff for everyone to see.

Ranger and Tootles are much more reserved, yet no less passionate. Needless to say, we are all in love. Poly lives here and is going to stay here.

Ranger and Tootles & Red and I date separately each week and we all get together (with the kids) on the weekends when it is possible.

That brings me to last night. The bitter sweet date. We all had our weekly date and we had planned to get together last night for the entire evening. All the planning in the world can’t assume the laws of Murphy and his beer.

We found out on date day that things would not go as planned. All 4 of us were disappointed yet determined to get the 4 way date in. Things went very well up until the time we arrived at our final rest for the night. Then the miscommunication took over. (Lack of communication was the initial problem.)

We had all had our dates in but we wanted more. And we all forced it. I loved the date. I loved seeing Red, Ranger and their children that Tootles and I consider our own now.

We parted company because of a misunderstanding. Not in a good way at all. Today, I spoke with Red and we fought about it. That made everything worse. I had strong convictions when Tootles asked me what was wrong, and *Chuckles* also chimed in and beat me down. I felt very alone and insecure and became angry because my ego wasn’t strong enough to hold my own weight and insecurity.

Red and I knew this day would come. We just didn’t know when. As it turned out, it was this morning. I’m sorry for the things I said even though I know what resides in my head and heart are not jaded by the immediate scenery. I love Red. We lost a night and Tootles and Ranger did too.

The good thing about fighting is that the pain is replaced by heartfelt emotion and thought. A rationalization come to mind that can’t be rivaled.

I cant wait to be with my Red again…