Sweltering Celt

I am a girl who likes to be paid attention to.  I have come to accept that as part of who I am, and I no longer fight against that fact.  I like to feel loved, wanted, and desired.  I think that’s a perfectly normal attitude.

Ranger and I have been struggling for a while.  He has not been giving me the attention I want and feel I deserve.  For a long time, he has blamed mine and Doc’s relationship for that.  Doc and I communicate every day and we feel it is important to do so, as it is a major basis of our relationship.  I don’t feel, however, that it prevents Ranger and me from having a relationship, which we haven’t for months.

I finally hit a breaking point the other night.  Some of you were there for my unloading on twitter.  I ranted quite a bit because I am tired of being alone every night, even when Ranger is here.  I am tired of feeling like the only time I get attention is when I am with Doc.  That is not how poly is supposed to go, at least not in my eyes.  So while I ranted, I was also writing an email to Ranger.  I explained how frustrated I am with this situation, and how lonely I am anymore.  I sent it right after he left for work, just before I went to bed (alone as usual) and he read it in the morning when he got home.  I was already at school by then.  When I got home yesterday evening, he surprised me by telling me that he was taking the night off to be with me.  I was pleasantly surprised but also felt a little trepidation, since Ranger and I have little in common anymore.

We did spend a good chunk of the evening together.  We watched NCIS together, which right now seems to be about the only thing we both enjoy.  I’m not particularly excited about the fact that it’s all we can do together, but it was something.  We didn’t really communicate, and we didn’t talk about our relationship or the family.  I’m hoping that will come in time.  It hurts me that Ranger can’t talk to me, but there isn’t anything I can do about that.  I have to seek communication elsewhere; of course, because that communication is usually with Doc, he and I both get into trouble for it.  I refuse to feel apologetic or remorseful for the connection that Doc and I have.  It is something we both need and don’t get anywhere else.  It is a big reason for our being polyamorous.  Doc tells me that I understand him better than anyone else, and while that may or may not be true, I do understand him very well.  Doc understands me very well too.  We are still learning each other and probably will be for the rest of our lives.  Ranger and I struggle to understand each other.  It is the nature of our relationship, I guess, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship with him.

I do not like being alone anymore.  Yes, there are times when being alone is a blessing and a relief, but to be perfectly honest I am alone so much that it gets to me on a very deep and disturbing level.  For a long time, even if Ranger is home I am essentially alone – invisible.  I sleep alone five nights a week, and GENERALLY on the two nights I am not alone I still go to bed alone and stay that way until an hour or two before I have to get up.  Date nights with Doc are the only exception to this rule.  Last night, Ranger did go to bed at the same time I did.  It was something, but I am honestly not sure that I am ready to have sex with him yet.  It has been a long time since we have, and a lot of that is my fault.  Emotionally, I am not into it.  I have been feeling taken for granted, unwanted, and treated like a doormat enough lately that it will take some reconnection to want to be with my own husband like that.

The point should be made that I don’t think anyone in our family realized the extent of Ranger’s and my problems.  Doc and Tootles’ fights are obvious and impossible to miss.  Ranger’s and my issues festered over the course of several months, once in a while boiling closer to the surface but never breaking it because I was too afraid to communicate anything negative to him and he doesn’t communicate at all.  To be honest, I am guilty of leaning too much on Doc for communication and attention, and I am truly sorry if that has caused any problems in any of the relationships in this family.  I cannot say that I will want to communicate with him any less, because we both depend on our daily talks.   I am, however, attempting to increase the communication between Ranger and myself because we desperately need it in order for our marriage to survive.

I have not asserted or acknowledged my own rights as a human being or as a wife for far too long.  I deserve love, I deserve attention, and I deserve to feel wanted.  From both of my husbands.  There are those who are irritated with me because they do not understand even half of the story.  In my own defense, this entire family has been making a lot of wild assumptions and sweeping generalizations that are not only unfair but unwarranted.  A lot of expectations are placed on me (and others) that are unrealistic.  There is not enough gratitude in this family but there are plenty of baseless accusations and blind attacks.  I can’t change what others say or think, but I CAN affect situations that involve me and how I treat people, including myself.

I can treat myself better.  I can and do expect others to treat me with more respect.  I have taken the first steps to recover my relationship with Ranger, and I will continue to work on my relationship with Doc as well.  I may only be one person, but in the context of this family I am and should be considered an equal member, one who deserves to have her needs at least acknowledged.  I am responsible for getting my own needs met, and that is why I have expressed to Ranger that something is lacking.  I can not afford to sit on the sidelines and feel worthless any longer.  I am tired of feeling like an intruder.  I am heartily sick of feeling like everyone’s last priority.  I am not my own last priority any more.  I am reaching out and seizing the respect and attention I deserve.  It will cause problems, of that I’m sure, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let myself be invisible any more.  It is my turn.  My turn to have some respect, my turn to be appreciated, and damnit it’s my turn to be loved.

It’s been five crazy, sultry years since I first set figurative pen to electronic paper.  I have loved and hated writing about sex and relationships.  I have been through the depths of depression and felt intense, unadulterated joy.  Many of you have been with me from the beginning, or close to.  Others have visited and stayed.  I am so grateful to all of you who have chosen to stick with me through the highs and lows and have put up with extended hiatus after extended hiatus.

Since I started Microfantasy Monday a year ago, I have newfound reason to make sure I post at least once a week.  Some weeks I don’t have a chance to write my own microfantasy, but coming up with themes incites creativity in me that used to lay dormant.  I love reading everyone’s entries, and in particular this week the entries were arousing and fun to read.  I’ve never asked for someone to develop a fantasy about me, and to be honest I think I’d better do it again next year, since it was so exciting!

As you know, this Microfantasy Monday was also a contest to celebrate the first year of Microfantasy Monday and the fifth year of this blog.  The entries were insanely hot and sexy, and it was so tough for me to pick one favorite that I had to enlist Doc and Ranger’s help to decide.  Finally, after much deliberation, we decided that the ultimate winner of this contest is The Pink Poppet with her entry, The Celt’s Best Performance.  This is a scenario that my husbands would LOVE to see me in, and to be honest I wouldn’t mind doing it myself!  Many of the entries are ones I would absolutely LOVE to act out, which is why it was so hard to decide!

The Pink Poppet will receive a one year membership to Alt.com, a six month membership to Bondage.com, and a Footlong Case from For Your Nymphomation.  I am grateful to all who entered, you made my week SO amazing!  I hope we can do another contest next year and get even more entries to make my work that much harder!!!

A lot is going on all of a sudden.

My new term in school started yesterday, and as a result I am already cowering under the insane pressures of a senior year in college.  I am better prepared, however, to pay the attention to this blog that I want to this year.  My priorities have shifted somewhat, and while I may not be writing every single day I am writing again.  I have realized that in order to be fair and true to myself I cannot allow myself to be swamped by schoolwork without any other outlet, particularly a creative outlet.  I struggle sometimes to decide what to write about, but I’m working on that too – I’ve taken to carrying around a small notebook and when a topic strikes me, I can jot it down for later recollection.

Doc recently was given a promotion, and he starts his new job on Monday.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  While the whole family will benefit from the increase in pay, along with it comes an increase in responsibilities and hours at work.  Doc’s free time will decrease significantly, and combined with  my reduced free time as a college senior with a senior project we are both concerned about getting any time together, much less enough time together.  I will see him today, since we’re donating blood, but I fear that the time hanging out in the Red Cross center will be the only time I get with him this week.  We’re hoping for a little bit more than just that today, but we never know what we’ll actually get.

Finally, the blog is getting closer to its fifth anniversary and a contest and complete redesign is in the works.  I look forward to showing you all what is going on behind the scenes, and especially I look forward to being able to celebrate five years of baring my soul publicly.  It’s been a great run, and one that I hope doesn’t end anytime soon.  Keep your eyes peeled for a contest to be announced in the next few weeks – the winner, announced on the anniversary November 4th, will win a nice little package that I am currently trying to round up prizes for.  That, and the redesign, is taking a lot of my time as well.

Between two major changes, it can be frustrating trying to find time as a family and separately.  All I can hope for right now is that we navigate them as seamlessly as possible and adapt quickly.  This is just another of many trials for our little family.  We will prevail.  We always do.  It just sucks in the meantime.

It occurs to me that while many of my readers also follow me on Twitter, not everyone does. And so not everyone here knows that I’ve been insanely busy with school, moving, and… prepping to get married!

Yes, I’m already married to Ranger, but we’re committing to Doc and Tootles tomorrow as well. I have turned into a stressed out, insane bride. Doc laughs at me at least ten times a day because of my worrying and stressing. We’re doing a small, intimate ceremony tomorrow during a BBQ we’re having for local swingers.

I’ve been taking a full load this summer as well, trying to get enough credits to be able to graduate on time next spring. I’m dropping my minor, which will make Doc insanely happy, and concentrating on just getting what I need to be able to get through the bare minimum of what I need to finish up.

Finally, I’m working on developing enough material and information to set up a little pay section of Sweltering Celt. We’re hoping to have some photo galleries, videos, and if we’re lucky, even a weekly cam show. What do you think?

I owe a LOT of stories to my faithful readers here, but tonight I am finding myself tortured by inner demons, and if I can’t do something about it, I won’t sleep at all. Will I post this? Probably not. But I need someplace to just WRITE.

I was in a great mood tonight. Despite having troubles with some plans we were hoping to make, I was in a good mood and looking forward to spending time with Doc, Tootles, and Ranger. It’s been a great weekend so far and I’ll be damned if Friday night wasn’t awesome. Why, then, am I awake at 4 AM wiping my eyes every few minutes and shivering on the couch?

My head won’t leave me alone. SHE won’t leave me alone, and all because I was dumb enough to not request the channel be changed when that damned psychic-solves-the-murder show came on. I love the bio channel and especially the shows about psychic children. There’s a part of me that can really resonate with shows about spiritual or metaphysical things.

Fuck. The birds are waking up.

But the damn murder shows. I should have known better. All it did was pull up unpleasantness in my heart and suddenly I started to take lighthearted teasing the wrong way, flinch at innocent comments, and wince inwardly at nothing at all. Oh, great. Well, I managed to put it aside as best I could while the four of us played, but it wasn’t completely gone. I tried to climax, but something stopped me. I tried to really get into the spirit of playing, but something stopped me. I tried to sleep once everyone else started snoring, but something stopped me. And now here I sit, disgusted with myself, unable to sleep, frustrated, shivering, and wiping the occasional tear away.

I know that if I could sleep, I would probably have the dream. Maybe that’s why I’m not sleeping now. I know that if I could sleep, even with having the dream, I would be better off in about two hours when the kids wake up and demand attention. I know these things and yet I don’t sleep. At this point, I’m not sure there’s any reason to bother trying to sleep.

I had twinges of emotion that were far from well placed tonight. I had twinges of things that I know are completely ridiculous, and if I wasn’t being affected by my stupid overactive brain, I wouldn’t be having.

Something just fell in the kitchen and made me jump about three feet off the couch where I sit. On edge, much?

I had so looked forward to waking up in the same pile the others fell asleep in. I may yet try to go intertwine myself back into the pile, but I know if I do, it won’t be for me. It would be so that the others wouldn’t think anything is wrong. Is that right of me to do that? I don’t know. I know that it won’t make me feel any better, but if it would hide some of this from those I love it might be worth it. In the long run, no it probably wouldn’t be, but short term it could. I don’t want to make them worry. I also fear them rolling their eyes and telling me to just get over it, because if I could I would have by now. I would be just as peacefully sleeping as they all are in that huge bed right now and I would not be freezing under a thin blanket on the couch.

I think I’m just going to sit here and chain smoke a bit and try to build up the guts to insert myself back into the pile. I know if I post this, they will see it. But maybe it should be posted anyhow. Maybe I will make sense to someone, because I sure as hell am NOT making sense to myself.

I had intended to announce the winner of the contest today, but since the rest of the panel hasn’t even bothered to look at the entries, it’s going to have to wait for tomorrow. If by the time I get home from class, I have no decision from them, I am going to flip a coin between Ranger’s two picks, which he picked out of my favorites.

No, it won’t be an April Fool’s joke. I swear.

Tonight, at midnight Pacific time, the contest for a $20 Babeland gift certificate will be over.

To make myself perfectly clear, there are two ways to enter the contest.

1) Do some kind of artwork involving frogs and shamrocks.
2) Take an existing photo here on Sweltering Celt, and revamp/rework it.

Do one of these simple things, email it to ang at swelteringcelt dot (geez, look on the address bar) by midnight my time tonight, and be prepared to give me your address if you win. Sound like a plan? Good, then get to it! There’s about seven hours left as I write this and not one entry has been sent… YET. You’ve got good chances!

If you’re wanting the theme for Microfantasy Monday, hold tight. I will post it in an hour or two.