Thu 7 Jan, 2010
Things People Say, Part I
Comments (5) Filed under: Swinging and PolyamoryTags: beliefs, polyamory, Sexual fidelity
You know, polyamory is easily the hardest relationship style in existence. I don’t think anyone has ever debated this. But there are things people say that don’t really hit home until you experience it in full force. As for this family, we have been experiencing crazy amounts of ups and downs over the last year and a half, and there are days when I don’t think anyone knows whether it will survive or not. I want to speak a little bit to my experiences with things that are commonly stated in relation to polyamory.
“Poly requires all involved to be excellent communicators”
and
“Poly means that everyone has to communicate well”
Well, in an ideal world, this would be the case, but to be honest that just can’t happen all the time. Ranger and Tootles are, to be perfectly honest, HORRIBLE communicators. They know it, we all know it, and we all try to work around that knowledge. I think that Doc and I probably communicate more because of it – for several reasons, actually. As communicators, Doc and I both feel a very deep and basic need to communicate, and because we communicate the same way, we tend to feed off that communication. We also end up communicating FOR Ranger and Tootles fairly regularly, which on any given day can have a positive or negative effect. Sometimes we read them wrong. It’s easy to do. They don’t give us a whole lot of helpful indicators. Sometimes it could be said that they both live in a permanent state of Appears-To-Be-Angry-But-Pretending-To-Hide-It. This is especially true for Ranger, whose PTSD is a constant presence.
Do we deal with all of this? Yes. We don’t always deal with it well, and there are certainly times Doc and I both get sick and tired of carrying all of the responsibility for communicating. Does it make having a relationship like this harder? Yes, certainly. I will be the first to admit that communication is a very important part of any relationship. But some people just don’t communicate, and I don’t think that this family would survive if we forced those people to do so. We can strive for better understanding with what little we do get, but we can’t expect our lives to fit some kind of ideal pattern set out for polyamorous people. Boy, I wish we could.
“You have to be mentally stable to be polyamorous”
BWAH HA HA HA! Anyone that knows me knows that I suffer from chronic depression ranging from the middle of the clinical scale to severe. Tootles suffers from (undiagnosed) mental illnesses. (That might get me in trouble but it’s true.) Ranger suffers from PTSD and a whole host of related mental issues. Doc isn’t completely stable either. But we all love each other. If everyone was required to be mentally stable before entering into a relationship, there would be a LOT of single people out there. If people were psychologically screened for self esteem before being allowed into a relationship, I know I for one would be alone. People are not by nature mentally stable. It just doesn’t seem to happen anymore. Everyone has insecurities and doubts, and no one is the picture of perfect mental capacity. Just because I have an illness doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be loved, and it is my choice to love and be loved by more than one person. Interestingly enough, the relationship I have with Doc has been the catalyst to a lot of growth and personal development and I have found that my depression has less of a hold on me the longer we are together and have the opportunity to support EACH OTHER through our own life journeys.
“Poly has to have a hierarchy”
Now, I realize that not everyone believes this, but a great many do. And I think in our family that gets a little wonky. For me, there is only a hierarchy as far as legality and children are concerned. In every other facet, there is equal footing. Everyone else has their own beliefs as far as their significant others are concerned, and I believe that my philosophy is the minority within our quad.
Personally, I feel that hierarchies are dangerous and lead to resentments and disappointments, especially when jealousies or expectations start coming into play. I can very easily see where they work for other people. Just not me. I can’t imagine my life without either Ranger OR Doc, thankyouverymuch, and so why would I put one on higher footing than the other based upon when I met them? They both offer something important and valuable to me, and I love them both infinitely.
“Poly requires scheduling/planning”
Hee hee hee… this, to me, is an absolutely true statement, but others in the family would disagree with me. I NEED schedules. I NEED planning. Without it, my entire life is subject to the random whims of others. Just within my quad/family, there are three different work schedules, two school schedules, appointments, and special occasions to plan around. There is also the question of money which often directly affects the availability of transportation whether it’s gas or repairs that are needed. And the availability of transportation when one or more vehicles is under the weather. Planning is essential. Unfortunately, this family doesn’t really plan for anything unless one or two people specifically state a desire for something specific well in advance. Date nights, which are supposed to be weekly (and should be more often than that if you ask me and my therapist), are often not decided until a few days in advance at most. I plan to change that this year. So basically, to this statement – yes, scheduling and planning are important, but apparently we’ve made this relationship work (or at least faked it well) for a year and a half without effective scheduling or planning, so… take what you want from that.
I know there are a lot more common and basic tenets that people have about polyamory. I would like to hear them in the comments if you are so inclined. I think that poly is different for everyone, and so I want to share with all of you precisely how these beliefs fit into my polyamorous family’s lifestyle. Everyone is different, and I want to share how we make it work in a less than perfect situation. If I get enough statements/questions, I will continue this. I hope to make a miniseries-ish set of posts out of it in the long run.
Related posts:
- Attention I am a girl who likes to be paid attention...
- Up, up, and away… A lot is going on all of a sudden. My...
- Attention II Having first person access to SC, Ranger and Tootles, I...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Doc says:
Reading this post kept me in a state of wonderment. Celt is most certainly my best friend and confidant. She is an amazing woman with amazing talents
that are yet to be realized.
I can say with the utmost confidence that Celt has her finger on the pulse of what a polyamorous lifestyle is all about.
There is no point in debating the issues that have been hashed over time and time again about equal time share and how relationships with the quad will develop, how soon and in what direction.
The simple fact of the mater is:
Two families have come together.
In every sense of the word. There are six of us. Four adults and Two very young children. We all love and constantly miss each other on a daily basis.
As Celt rightfully points out, communications can and should be improved but the relationship that Ranger and Tootles carry cannot be questioned on any level, rate sort or form.
They deal in dimensions that I personally don't understand and, quite frankly have no desire to deal with anymore. For me personally, this is a very difficult obstacle to overcome in light of the fact that I have tried so very hard to bring these things to the surface with Tootles.
On the other hand I must give myself the credit that is due to me for finally accepting the inevitable.
Even though Tootles and I have been together for nearly Three decades, I cannot hope to halter her wishes in pursuit of her happiness and state of well being. This is something that will have to be determined on her schedule, her time and her pace. Ranger is exactly the same.
That leaves Celt and I to do the dirty everyday jobs that seems to have no weight or importance unless they don't get done. Even then, there are questions on whether or not we can date because Ranger and Tootles manipulate the controlling stock on that measure.
We are coming to another transition very soon. Besides the deaths we have had to endure as of late, now we all have to come to grips with the fact that Celt will be graduating soon and we may have to relocate to stay together. This is a major stress factor for Tootles and me alike. We will move to stay with Ranger and Celt. I just hope they both understand the commitment we make in doing so. This is our home, it always has been and we are willing to put ourselves in a very precarious living arrangement to keep this love alive. In respective terms, Celt and Ranger have been together less than 1/3rd of the time that Tootles and I have. It takes time and a great deal of understanding, respect and cooperation to get to the point Tootles and I have. It is not an easy thing to understand unless you have been there and done the time.
Tootles and I are willing to take the chance to make this a marriage that we can all be proud of.
I just hope that Ranger and Celt are willing to make the same commitment to us in light of all of the strife we may have to endure in getting there.
Doc
Doc says:
K.
Amber says:
Heheh, who the fuck wrote THOSE rules? (And the REALLY bitchy part of me wonders how boring their relationships are, although that might get me into trouble… oh well.)
I do concur that communication is vital to poly relationships – hell, to ALL relationships – but you're so right, that doesn't always happen as flawlessly as is idealized. And as for the rest of the rules… well, all I have to say is PFFFFT. It's complete bullshit to have one set of rules for all poly relationships. All poly situations have to create their own rules based on what works and doesn't work for them.
Hell, all the communication in the world can save some relationships.
If I Was Really Honest with Myself… « Femme Fagette says:
[...] just wrote a post on Things People Say about polyamory and what it entails, when she posed this question on twitter “Finish this [...]
edward says:
this just reminds me that humans are complex creatures…. dealing with the flaws of one person is a lot of work, dealing with the flaws of more than one in a relationship is exponentially harder…