Sweltering Celt

I rush of uncertainty to the brink of panic came over me as I was being wrenched upward by my wrists.
Not a word out loud being said but I could feel my Princess’ breath on the back of my neck as she stood behind me securing the restraints to ensure my helplessness.

I wondered if I had gone too far. I wondered if I had failed her. None of this mattered. I was my turn to feel the bite of the whip and the euphoria that follows the intensity of the experience we were about to share.

She slowly walked in front of me clad in black leather. Her long flowing red hair tied tightly back in a single pony tail. She stopped directly in front of me facing away and slowly began to turn her head over her left shoulder to confront my expression face to face.
My heart began to race and she revealed her first dominant smile and dropped the loops of rope to the floor in preparation to embark on her journey.

Having first person access to SC, Ranger and Tootles, I have a direct relationship and a thorough understanding of where SC is coming from in her previous post. She is a wonderful person and does deserve the attention that is missing in her life. So does Ranger, Tootles and I do as well. The timing of when that attention must be observed and attended to is complicated Four times in the relationship that we all share. it is to say the least, a delicate balance.

I was very pleased by the comments that were received on this matter as it does give me a sense of not being alone in the darkness. I suppose no matter where you are or what you are engaged in, you are never truly alone even though it might seem that way.

SC’s post on this subject launched a horrific fight between Tootles and I. She too lacks the attention she requires and deserves from me. One of the comments received on SC previous post on this matter mirrors my situation exactly.
The only difference being that SC’s post has inspired me to be more proactive in my own quest in finding the answers without having to look back at the mistakes I made at a later time when irreparable damage has been done.
That has already happened to some extent and thanks to one of the commenter’s on this subject, I have gained renewed energy to continue the battle to make things right in my core and extended family.

As I write this post, Tootles and I are coming to the end of a 4 day scrap. Neither one of us has the energy to fight anymore. We are that stubborn about our belief systems and values.
SC hates it when I bring this up but it must be included in any conversation I have with people like us that experience similar problems.

Tootles and I have been together for 30 years. I am 46 and she is 44. We have seen every fight there is to see. I have physical indicators of how hard we actually fight and she has emotional scars that will never exit her mind.

For what reason?

The lack of attention.

We all need it, we all want it and I for one believe that is is something that will never be fully satisfied on this plane of existence. However; we still strive for it.

I have a great many things that I take for granted. I have Three wonderful girls that Tootles and I have raised to be responsible and formidable women; I have I have Two young son’s that are off to a very good start in life and I can look forward to teaching the many wonders of the life they have ahead of them; I have a wonderful husband that keeps me true to myself by example; my wonderful Tootles remains the pillar of my confidence in that love will overcome; and SC is my nearest and dearest friend and lover.
She IS my wife and I try to be her husband in light of the fact we can’t live together right now.

Ranger and Tootles share a union that has far more dynamics and underlying currents than is shared by SC and I. In a very real sense, if you know them well enough, the undertones scream at you while they never exchange a word.
I personally do not understand this but I do know that the relationship they share must be respected by their terms. Not mine.

Tootles and Ranger never fight. I tend to think that is because they both have very explosive personalties and neither of the Two are willing to test those waters at the risk of… Well… Who really knows?

SC and I do fight. Quite often in fact. She and I can never stay angry at each other for very long whether we are right or wrong. We are the communicators and we know that is our roll in the overall picture. This is at times a point of contention with Ranger and Tootles but both realize that if SC and I didn’t do what we do and when we do it, there would be no family element to rescue. So consequently, they put up with our emotional upheavals and move on to the next duty of the day. To their credit, they do ignore the fact that SC and I fight. In comparison. What SC and I would consider a minor squabble would amount to prison time for Ranger and Tootles so that fact must be respected by SC and I.
Ranger and Tootles acknowledge this as well and it is an unspoken law.

Never dare piss them off when they are together.

I think that SC and I have done a pretty good job of abiding this rule but she is right. Everyone needs and deserves the attention they expect.

Many times I fall short on giving Tootles and SC the attention they deserve. It is stated very well in the comments section of the previous blog by my Princess herself.

I would encourage anyone that reads this post to take a very good look at what your own needs are and do your very best to fulfill the needs of those you care about the most.

That is what life is all about.

Doc

Monday nights are date nights for the next few weeks.  Doc and I had a particularly nice date this week, so we decided we should share some photographic evidence of it with you…

A lot is going on all of a sudden.

My new term in school started yesterday, and as a result I am already cowering under the insane pressures of a senior year in college.  I am better prepared, however, to pay the attention to this blog that I want to this year.  My priorities have shifted somewhat, and while I may not be writing every single day I am writing again.  I have realized that in order to be fair and true to myself I cannot allow myself to be swamped by schoolwork without any other outlet, particularly a creative outlet.  I struggle sometimes to decide what to write about, but I’m working on that too – I’ve taken to carrying around a small notebook and when a topic strikes me, I can jot it down for later recollection.

Doc recently was given a promotion, and he starts his new job on Monday.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  While the whole family will benefit from the increase in pay, along with it comes an increase in responsibilities and hours at work.  Doc’s free time will decrease significantly, and combined with  my reduced free time as a college senior with a senior project we are both concerned about getting any time together, much less enough time together.  I will see him today, since we’re donating blood, but I fear that the time hanging out in the Red Cross center will be the only time I get with him this week.  We’re hoping for a little bit more than just that today, but we never know what we’ll actually get.

Finally, the blog is getting closer to its fifth anniversary and a contest and complete redesign is in the works.  I look forward to showing you all what is going on behind the scenes, and especially I look forward to being able to celebrate five years of baring my soul publicly.  It’s been a great run, and one that I hope doesn’t end anytime soon.  Keep your eyes peeled for a contest to be announced in the next few weeks – the winner, announced on the anniversary November 4th, will win a nice little package that I am currently trying to round up prizes for.  That, and the redesign, is taking a lot of my time as well.

Between two major changes, it can be frustrating trying to find time as a family and separately.  All I can hope for right now is that we navigate them as seamlessly as possible and adapt quickly.  This is just another of many trials for our little family.  We will prevail.  We always do.  It just sucks in the meantime.

If you’re looking for the Microfantasy Monday theme, it’s just one post down.

Equality does not mean fairness. Equality is not something that can ever be perfectly achieved in any situation. Equality is a dream that cannot possibly be achieved, but is sure nice to dream about.

Fairness, on the other hand, is right and good.

I believe I have been treated unfairly on several levels. I have even been treated unfairly by myself. I have been working towards change. Interestingly enough, I stood up against being treated unfairly not long ago but when I was denied I sunk into a place that I once was very familiar with – and I started treating myself unfairly again. Go figure.

The work I’ve been doing on myself for the last several months has often been criticized and belittled because it’s not what others would do for themselves. It has worked for me, though, and I have made progress. I fail sometimes. I backslide like I did this weekend, and I slip into old habits that die hard. I am human, after all, and change comes slowly when it affects hardwired behavior and reactions. I will fail and I will fall. I will have days when nothing seems to work to cheer me up – but is that my fault or is that merely the product of others’ unwillingness to be flexible enough or willing enough to find what would help?

Does that part even matter? Does anyone have to be at fault? Why do sentences have to start with YOU all the time? One thing I do very well is avoid starting sentences with blame. We’ve all heard it – tell someone how you feel instead of how what they did is wrong. “I feel ___ because ___” and do it without saying “I feel ___ because YOU ___” – it was an easy change for me at first because I can acknowledge that a lot of my feelings are just that. My feelings. I feel hurt because something I had planned on for three months was canceled. I feel hurt that I have sacrificed things I want so that others could have them but not been given the same consideration in return. Yes, those are pretty poignant statements, and if someone desired they could insert their own version of blame into them, but those are statements about me. Those are statements about how I feel. Not how others feel or saying that they are wrong or bad people. I’m just giving my truth, my position, my raw self.

Soon, I plan to express what I feel my rights are in a polyamorous relationship. Specifically THIS polyamorous relationship. My relationship with Doc is teetering at the edge of a cliff, and I am looking, searching, trying to look over my shoulder to see whether staying in the relationship is the equivalent of jumping off the cliff to my doom or if it’s turning around and wandering the varied landscape. I honestly think and hope right now that it is the landscape, but I do have rights and I plan to stand up for them.

I don’t need to be equal. That puts me into a cookie cutter mold, takes away the uniqueness of me. I do need to be treated fairly, with respect and acknowledgment that I have rights too. Fairness is my right and I intend to exercise it.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and while we might not all love the idea of the “snakes” being driven out of Ireland, I love to celebrate the day anyhow.

What should we do to celebrate? Well, I’ve decided to use the opportunity Babeland has afforded some of us to run a little contest of my own. From today until the end of the month, you will have a few options to win a $20 gift certificate to Babeland. Wanna win? I thought you might.

Here’s the deal. I have posted a crapton of pictures on this blog (okay, some of them are hard to find because I haven’t always been the best at tagging or assigning categories – gimme a break!) and everyone knows (or is about to) that I LOVE shamrocks and I LOVE frogs.

I am having one of my tattoos completely redesigned soon, so I’m in the mood to see some art redux. Take what’s already here on the blog and do something new and exciting with it. Email them to me – my name is ang and my email is through this domain right here. The entries will be judged by a panel of myself, Doc, Ranger, and 1-3 others of my choosing. Our favorite will be posted here after the end of the contest.

Rules? You’ve got to be 18 or over and live in the States. Or if you don’t live in the States, you’ve got to be willing to pay the shipping. You have to be willing to give me some kind of identifiable information that I can then give to Babeland so you can get your prize. Good enough? Get cracking! This contest ends on a very special person to me’s birthday, March 28th. The winner will be selected on or by the 31st, which happens to be the birthday of ANOTHER person very special to me.

And if you happened to come visit from the calendar today? Aren’t you glad you did?

I had forgotten it was HNT until Doc reminded me moments ago. It’s been a long, rough week. My aunt, you may or may not remember, was diagnosed with cancer several months ago. She passed away on Monday morning.

This is dead week (oh so aptly named this term) and while finals week is SUPPOSED to be next week, this is actually the week I have been subjected to turning in nearly every single final project possible. While it will be nice to really have more like two weeks of spring break, it’s not so nice to have fewer weeks in the term to achieve what we’re supposed to. I have been working frantically for days. I have to be reminded what day it is for more than one reason.

Having said that, a week ago Doc and I had a rather nice date, involving rope in use several different ways. Luckily for you, he got photographic evidence that I can share with you. The last two swipes had me whimpering and trying to curl into a ball, at which point Doc stopped, but we’ll discuss limits a little further before next time. I would have been happy to continue as long as whatever was used to mark me got a little wider and maybe not so hard for a few minutes. Those welts stayed for several days and I think I got some deep tissue bruising that I hadn’t anticipated. The memory of the final whack – the upper one on my ass – can still bring tears to my eyes. The aftermath was very nice, and I would certainly like to experience more whippings, especially after we’ve talked a little bit more about limits and why Doc felt the need to stop when he did. It’s opened up some more communication ground that we hadn’t quite covered yet because we hadn’t experienced something quite like that with each other. Mild spankings and a quick ass whipping didn’t quite count for this. This was a well done scene, one that I actually really got into, and I’m glad to have finally felt like the role I was playing was natural and came easily to me. We’ll definitely have to explore it some more.

Well. Having said all that, here is this week’s HNT. If you enjoy it, let me know. I could really use the positive words right now. No click through today, I don’t have the energy or the time.

I’ve discussed the development of this tradition more than once over the last 6 years, but it’s fun enough and exciting enough that I’m going to share again.

It’s Christmas Eve day. That means the Pajama Fairy is coming before bedtime. The Pajama Fairy tradition keeps improving every year, and each year we share the tradition with more people.

This year was a little interesting. I didn’t have the time to make pajamas for the kids or anyone else, so I was a little sad. Nevertheless, Ranger found some great stuff for the kids (and me, supposedly), and I found some nice things for Ranger, Doc, and Tootles. Doc and Tootles will have to wait until tomorrow to get their visit from the Pajama Fairy, but I’m confident they’ll like theirs too.

Do you have a tradition like the Pajama Fairy? Try it sometime! If you do, let me know how it works out for you!!!

It’s snowing pretty heavily again today. How exciting! We’re going to have the first truly white Christmas in many years. We’re going to spend some time with Doc and Tootles starting tomorrow, and I’m thinking I’d like to drag everyone out into the snowy fields for a huge snowball fight…

I want to give everyone a quick heads up that while I have about a billion reviews to write, this might not be the time for it. As Doc stated last night, we’ve been dealing with a lot of hurt lately.

This morning, I checked my email to find a vaguely written letter from an old highschool friend that I rarely speak with despite living in the same town again. It was scary enough that I ran to the local newspaper’s website and found out that a good friend and mentor, who I had seen maybe twice in the three years since I’ve moved back here, passed away last week.

Yours truly is already trying to recover from a mental and emotional breakdown; this isn’t helping one bit. I may or may not be blogging anything for a few days. It is my goal to try, and I already have next week’s Microfantasy Monday theme set up (so no worries there) but I am feeling very small, weak, and the only thing I want right now is hugs from my family. Fucking snow is going to prevent that, though.

I have a lot to talk about here. I have a TON of reviews to write. I hope you can all understand that I would rather write reviews when in a state of mind that can handle the idea of sex. When that comes, watch out – you’ll be inundated.

Until then, pick someone you live near that you haven’t talked to in a while. Give them a call, drop by their house. Tell them you love them because if you don’t find the time, it will run out and someone will have to email you to let you know.

While Ranger, Doc, Tootles and I are in a polyamorous relationship, we are all still swingers as well. We haven’t pursued that option since getting together, but it is likely very soon. Doc and Tootles have some opportunities and should take them.

Doc and I have had some heated discussions about this; we’ve also had some very reasonable and productive conversations about it. Even so, I found myself musing this morning waiting for Bug’s school bus. I realized a few things that I hadn’t thought of as an issue and feel a need to elaborate, so let’s talk about swinging while in a polyamorous relationship. Alright, we’re doing it from my perspective. Your mileage may vary.

First, there is the issue with time.
Time is hard to come by already. At best, we all see each other once a week. I understand and accept that this is more than some people get to see each other, but for me that time is precious. I have a pretty crazy schedule already; I’d almost go so far as to say mine is the worst out of the four of us because homework takes up so much of my “free” time. I make an effort to adjust my schedule and make time for my relationships as best I can, but in return I expect that effort to earn a reward of time spent with me.

Where does that sit as far as swinging is concerned? I’m afraid that less time will be spent with me. I’m afraid that an evening spent swinging will replace an evening spent with me. In other words, I am concerned that swinging will be an “instead of” event rather than an “in addition to” one. This in itself is a concern that does need to be addressed, but I personally feel that it won’t be resolved until we’ve had the chance to experience it and see what actually happens.

Second, there is the issue that I was thinking about this morning.
You see, when you are simply a couple, you swing and you go home. Aftercare, to steal a BDSM term, is different. The reassurance and reconnection is automatic; it might not even be something that is realized. I didn’t think about any of it until this morning. When Ranger and I swing, and we almost always swing separately, we come back at the end of the evening and we are together. We don’t spend the night with others except Doc and Tootles. I sleep with Ranger’s arm around me, with Ranger’s breath in my ear. I am reminded that Ranger comes home to me. I am reassured of Ranger’s love, but more importantly I’m reassured of his never failing presence.

Can we see how this could be an issue in a poly relationship? Sure! The four of us don’t live together. I don’t question Doc’s love for me, or Ranger’s love for Tootles, or anyone’s love for anyone else. But that aftercare, that reassurance… will that be there? What happens when two of us head off for some fun and return home? How do we reconnect with the ones we love in a timely manner? When there isn’t enough time in the first place? There has to be a way. There has to be a solution. There has to be something that will allow us to have that physical presence to remind us where home is. And home isn’t just a single couple anymore. Home is the relationships we all have with each other, the family we’re establishing, the life we’re all building together.

I guess what I’m saying is that for me personally, I am acknowledging my need for a homecoming when people in my family swing. I am acknowledging that no matter the makeup of the couple that is swinging, whether it’s Doc and Tootles, Ranger and myself, Ranger and Tootles, or Doc and me, I think it’s essential that there is a reconnection, a homecoming, a reaffirmation that home is where the heart is.

Is that too much to ask?