Sweltering Celt

You know, polyamory is easily the hardest relationship style in existence.  I don’t think anyone has ever debated this.  But there are things people say that don’t really hit home until you experience it in full force.  As for this family, we have been experiencing crazy amounts of ups and downs over the last year and a half, and there are days when I don’t think anyone knows whether it will survive or not.  I want to speak a little bit to my experiences with things that are commonly stated in relation to polyamory.

“Poly requires all involved to be excellent communicators”

and

“Poly means that everyone has to communicate well”

Well, in an ideal world, this would be the case, but to be honest that just can’t happen all the time.  Ranger and Tootles are, to be perfectly honest, HORRIBLE communicators.  They know it, we all know it, and we all try to work around that knowledge.  I think that Doc and I probably communicate more because of it – for several reasons, actually.  As communicators, Doc and I both feel a very deep and basic need to communicate, and because we communicate the same way, we tend to feed off that communication.  We also end up communicating FOR Ranger and Tootles fairly regularly, which on any given day can have a positive or negative effect.  Sometimes we read them wrong.  It’s easy to do.  They don’t give us a whole lot of helpful indicators.  Sometimes it could be said that they both live in a permanent state of Appears-To-Be-Angry-But-Pretending-To-Hide-It.  This is especially true for Ranger, whose PTSD is a constant presence.

Do we deal with all of this?  Yes.  We don’t always deal with it well, and there are certainly times Doc and I both get sick and tired of carrying all of the responsibility for communicating.  Does it make having a relationship like this harder?  Yes, certainly.  I will be the first to admit that communication is a very important part of any relationship.  But some people just don’t communicate, and I don’t think that this family would survive if we forced those people to do so.  We can strive for better understanding with what little we do get, but we can’t expect our lives to fit some kind of ideal pattern set out for polyamorous people.  Boy, I wish we could.

“You have to be mentally stable to be polyamorous”

BWAH HA HA HA!  Anyone that knows me knows that I suffer from chronic depression ranging from the middle of the clinical scale to severe.  Tootles suffers from (undiagnosed) mental illnesses.  (That might get me in trouble but it’s true.)  Ranger suffers from PTSD and a whole host of related mental issues.  Doc isn’t completely stable either.  But we all love each other.  If everyone was required to be mentally stable before entering into a relationship, there would be a LOT of single people out there.  If people were psychologically screened for self esteem before being allowed into a relationship, I know I for one would be alone.  People are not by nature mentally stable.  It just doesn’t seem to happen anymore.  Everyone has insecurities and doubts, and no one is the picture of perfect mental capacity.  Just because I have an illness doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be loved, and it is my choice to love and be loved by more than one person.  Interestingly enough, the relationship I have with Doc has been the catalyst to a lot of growth and personal development and I have found that my depression has less of a hold on me the longer we are together and have the opportunity to support EACH OTHER through our own life journeys.

“Poly has to have a hierarchy”

Now, I realize that not everyone believes this, but a great many do.  And I think in our family that gets a little wonky.  For me, there is only a hierarchy as far as legality and children are concerned.  In every other facet, there is equal footing.  Everyone else has their own beliefs as far as their significant others are concerned, and I believe that my philosophy is the minority within our quad.

Personally, I feel that hierarchies are dangerous and lead to resentments and disappointments, especially when jealousies or expectations start coming into play.  I can very easily see where they work for other people.  Just not me.  I can’t imagine my life without either Ranger OR Doc, thankyouverymuch, and so why would I put one on higher footing than the other based upon when I met them?  They both offer something important and valuable to me, and I love them both infinitely.

“Poly requires scheduling/planning”

Hee hee hee… this, to me, is an absolutely true statement, but others in the family would disagree with me.  I NEED schedules.  I NEED planning.  Without it, my entire life is subject to the random whims of others.  Just within my quad/family, there are three different work schedules, two school schedules, appointments, and special occasions to plan around.  There is also the question of money which often directly affects the availability of transportation whether it’s gas or repairs that are needed.  And the availability of transportation when one or more vehicles is under the weather.  Planning is essential.  Unfortunately, this family doesn’t really plan for anything unless one or two people specifically state a desire for something specific well in advance.  Date nights, which are supposed to be weekly (and should be more often than that if you ask me and my therapist), are often not decided until a few days in advance at most.  I plan to change that this year.  So basically, to this statement – yes, scheduling and planning are important, but apparently we’ve made this relationship work (or at least faked it well) for a year and a half without effective scheduling or planning, so… take what you want from that.

I know there are a lot more common and basic tenets that people have about polyamory.  I would like to hear them in the comments if you are so inclined.  I think that poly is different for everyone, and so I want to share with all of you precisely how these beliefs fit into my polyamorous family’s lifestyle.  Everyone is different, and I want to share how we make it work in a less than perfect situation.  If I get enough statements/questions, I will continue this.  I hope to make a miniseries-ish set of posts out of it in the long run.

I am a girl who likes to be paid attention to.  I have come to accept that as part of who I am, and I no longer fight against that fact.  I like to feel loved, wanted, and desired.  I think that’s a perfectly normal attitude.

Ranger and I have been struggling for a while.  He has not been giving me the attention I want and feel I deserve.  For a long time, he has blamed mine and Doc’s relationship for that.  Doc and I communicate every day and we feel it is important to do so, as it is a major basis of our relationship.  I don’t feel, however, that it prevents Ranger and me from having a relationship, which we haven’t for months.

I finally hit a breaking point the other night.  Some of you were there for my unloading on twitter.  I ranted quite a bit because I am tired of being alone every night, even when Ranger is here.  I am tired of feeling like the only time I get attention is when I am with Doc.  That is not how poly is supposed to go, at least not in my eyes.  So while I ranted, I was also writing an email to Ranger.  I explained how frustrated I am with this situation, and how lonely I am anymore.  I sent it right after he left for work, just before I went to bed (alone as usual) and he read it in the morning when he got home.  I was already at school by then.  When I got home yesterday evening, he surprised me by telling me that he was taking the night off to be with me.  I was pleasantly surprised but also felt a little trepidation, since Ranger and I have little in common anymore.

We did spend a good chunk of the evening together.  We watched NCIS together, which right now seems to be about the only thing we both enjoy.  I’m not particularly excited about the fact that it’s all we can do together, but it was something.  We didn’t really communicate, and we didn’t talk about our relationship or the family.  I’m hoping that will come in time.  It hurts me that Ranger can’t talk to me, but there isn’t anything I can do about that.  I have to seek communication elsewhere; of course, because that communication is usually with Doc, he and I both get into trouble for it.  I refuse to feel apologetic or remorseful for the connection that Doc and I have.  It is something we both need and don’t get anywhere else.  It is a big reason for our being polyamorous.  Doc tells me that I understand him better than anyone else, and while that may or may not be true, I do understand him very well.  Doc understands me very well too.  We are still learning each other and probably will be for the rest of our lives.  Ranger and I struggle to understand each other.  It is the nature of our relationship, I guess, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want a relationship with him.

I do not like being alone anymore.  Yes, there are times when being alone is a blessing and a relief, but to be perfectly honest I am alone so much that it gets to me on a very deep and disturbing level.  For a long time, even if Ranger is home I am essentially alone – invisible.  I sleep alone five nights a week, and GENERALLY on the two nights I am not alone I still go to bed alone and stay that way until an hour or two before I have to get up.  Date nights with Doc are the only exception to this rule.  Last night, Ranger did go to bed at the same time I did.  It was something, but I am honestly not sure that I am ready to have sex with him yet.  It has been a long time since we have, and a lot of that is my fault.  Emotionally, I am not into it.  I have been feeling taken for granted, unwanted, and treated like a doormat enough lately that it will take some reconnection to want to be with my own husband like that.

The point should be made that I don’t think anyone in our family realized the extent of Ranger’s and my problems.  Doc and Tootles’ fights are obvious and impossible to miss.  Ranger’s and my issues festered over the course of several months, once in a while boiling closer to the surface but never breaking it because I was too afraid to communicate anything negative to him and he doesn’t communicate at all.  To be honest, I am guilty of leaning too much on Doc for communication and attention, and I am truly sorry if that has caused any problems in any of the relationships in this family.  I cannot say that I will want to communicate with him any less, because we both depend on our daily talks.   I am, however, attempting to increase the communication between Ranger and myself because we desperately need it in order for our marriage to survive.

I have not asserted or acknowledged my own rights as a human being or as a wife for far too long.  I deserve love, I deserve attention, and I deserve to feel wanted.  From both of my husbands.  There are those who are irritated with me because they do not understand even half of the story.  In my own defense, this entire family has been making a lot of wild assumptions and sweeping generalizations that are not only unfair but unwarranted.  A lot of expectations are placed on me (and others) that are unrealistic.  There is not enough gratitude in this family but there are plenty of baseless accusations and blind attacks.  I can’t change what others say or think, but I CAN affect situations that involve me and how I treat people, including myself.

I can treat myself better.  I can and do expect others to treat me with more respect.  I have taken the first steps to recover my relationship with Ranger, and I will continue to work on my relationship with Doc as well.  I may only be one person, but in the context of this family I am and should be considered an equal member, one who deserves to have her needs at least acknowledged.  I am responsible for getting my own needs met, and that is why I have expressed to Ranger that something is lacking.  I can not afford to sit on the sidelines and feel worthless any longer.  I am tired of feeling like an intruder.  I am heartily sick of feeling like everyone’s last priority.  I am not my own last priority any more.  I am reaching out and seizing the respect and attention I deserve.  It will cause problems, of that I’m sure, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let myself be invisible any more.  It is my turn.  My turn to have some respect, my turn to be appreciated, and damnit it’s my turn to be loved.

A lot is going on all of a sudden.

My new term in school started yesterday, and as a result I am already cowering under the insane pressures of a senior year in college.  I am better prepared, however, to pay the attention to this blog that I want to this year.  My priorities have shifted somewhat, and while I may not be writing every single day I am writing again.  I have realized that in order to be fair and true to myself I cannot allow myself to be swamped by schoolwork without any other outlet, particularly a creative outlet.  I struggle sometimes to decide what to write about, but I’m working on that too – I’ve taken to carrying around a small notebook and when a topic strikes me, I can jot it down for later recollection.

Doc recently was given a promotion, and he starts his new job on Monday.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  While the whole family will benefit from the increase in pay, along with it comes an increase in responsibilities and hours at work.  Doc’s free time will decrease significantly, and combined with  my reduced free time as a college senior with a senior project we are both concerned about getting any time together, much less enough time together.  I will see him today, since we’re donating blood, but I fear that the time hanging out in the Red Cross center will be the only time I get with him this week.  We’re hoping for a little bit more than just that today, but we never know what we’ll actually get.

Finally, the blog is getting closer to its fifth anniversary and a contest and complete redesign is in the works.  I look forward to showing you all what is going on behind the scenes, and especially I look forward to being able to celebrate five years of baring my soul publicly.  It’s been a great run, and one that I hope doesn’t end anytime soon.  Keep your eyes peeled for a contest to be announced in the next few weeks – the winner, announced on the anniversary November 4th, will win a nice little package that I am currently trying to round up prizes for.  That, and the redesign, is taking a lot of my time as well.

Between two major changes, it can be frustrating trying to find time as a family and separately.  All I can hope for right now is that we navigate them as seamlessly as possible and adapt quickly.  This is just another of many trials for our little family.  We will prevail.  We always do.  It just sucks in the meantime.

There are times that I slip and wish for someone new.  Times when it feels like no one can give me what I need and times when I wish for more.  Times that I forget that even new relationships come with their fair share of drama and heartache.  Times that I imagine that simply adding another love would mean that all my problems would be solved.

And then I get a dose of reality.

People are human.  It’s impossible to get all of your needs met all of the time.  I am high maintenance – I have a lot of needs, so they aren’t met very often.  There’s just too many of them for Doc and Ranger to manage.  That “failure,” if it is one, is all on me.  I need to learn how to get more of my needs met.  Adding another person to the mix of those I love already is just not going to cut it.  It doesn’t work that way.

It’s hard, though, to know exactly what I need at a given moment (even if it takes some soul searching) and then be slapped in the face with the realization that no one is available to help me with it.

I like, need, CRAVE attention, and there are times others deserve it or need it more than me.  This is surprisingly something that I can deal with more easily than when other needs are pressing against the root of my spine.  As I grow and learn that I deserve more than I have allowed myself, it’s harder to deal with things that I perceive as taking away from my needs.  This is yet another failure that is all on me.  I am becoming a new person, and there is a learning curve attached to revelations and progress.  With every step forward I take toward confidence and self approval, I recognize another two that are necessary before I can consider myself even partially healed.  With every positive epiphany I have about myself, I have another about how I am still not good enough.

I struggle every day to have confidence in myself, to believe that I am worthy of anything.  So many things I consider to be another person’s right, for myself is a reward or impossible.  Doc rails at me sometimes for not taking what is rightfully mine, for ignoring myself in favor of kneeling before others’ wants.  I don’t necessarily think that’s the right way to do it, because it only reinforces my belief that I do everything wrong, but he feels so strongly about it that I don’t think he can help himself. Neither he nor Ranger is able to give me the attention I often need either, which brings me back to my original topic.

What would adding someone new do?  When I think of the advantages, it really depends on how needy I’m feeling at the time as to whether I feel they outweigh the disadvantages.  There is potential for a lot of hurt, but there is also the possibility that burdens on the men I love now would be relieved somewhat.  It might be too much for me to handle, but then again I might be too much for even two men to handle.  I don’t know what to think anymore; it is hard to imagine my future at all right now, which is a whole other problem for me in itself.  I don’t know where I will be in a day or two, much less months or years down the road.  I know what I want when I want it, but ask me to tell you what could be beneficial to me when there isn’t a pressing need and I will be able to give you nothing but a blank stare.

I need to learn how to manage myself before I ever consider adding another person to my life.  Doc and Ranger are enough for me, I am the one who needs to be more for myself.  Right?

If you’re looking for the Microfantasy Monday theme, it’s just one post down.

Equality does not mean fairness. Equality is not something that can ever be perfectly achieved in any situation. Equality is a dream that cannot possibly be achieved, but is sure nice to dream about.

Fairness, on the other hand, is right and good.

I believe I have been treated unfairly on several levels. I have even been treated unfairly by myself. I have been working towards change. Interestingly enough, I stood up against being treated unfairly not long ago but when I was denied I sunk into a place that I once was very familiar with – and I started treating myself unfairly again. Go figure.

The work I’ve been doing on myself for the last several months has often been criticized and belittled because it’s not what others would do for themselves. It has worked for me, though, and I have made progress. I fail sometimes. I backslide like I did this weekend, and I slip into old habits that die hard. I am human, after all, and change comes slowly when it affects hardwired behavior and reactions. I will fail and I will fall. I will have days when nothing seems to work to cheer me up – but is that my fault or is that merely the product of others’ unwillingness to be flexible enough or willing enough to find what would help?

Does that part even matter? Does anyone have to be at fault? Why do sentences have to start with YOU all the time? One thing I do very well is avoid starting sentences with blame. We’ve all heard it – tell someone how you feel instead of how what they did is wrong. “I feel ___ because ___” and do it without saying “I feel ___ because YOU ___” – it was an easy change for me at first because I can acknowledge that a lot of my feelings are just that. My feelings. I feel hurt because something I had planned on for three months was canceled. I feel hurt that I have sacrificed things I want so that others could have them but not been given the same consideration in return. Yes, those are pretty poignant statements, and if someone desired they could insert their own version of blame into them, but those are statements about me. Those are statements about how I feel. Not how others feel or saying that they are wrong or bad people. I’m just giving my truth, my position, my raw self.

Soon, I plan to express what I feel my rights are in a polyamorous relationship. Specifically THIS polyamorous relationship. My relationship with Doc is teetering at the edge of a cliff, and I am looking, searching, trying to look over my shoulder to see whether staying in the relationship is the equivalent of jumping off the cliff to my doom or if it’s turning around and wandering the varied landscape. I honestly think and hope right now that it is the landscape, but I do have rights and I plan to stand up for them.

I don’t need to be equal. That puts me into a cookie cutter mold, takes away the uniqueness of me. I do need to be treated fairly, with respect and acknowledgment that I have rights too. Fairness is my right and I intend to exercise it.